Never Face the World with an Open Hand

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I’ve decided that I no longer believe in time. I know that sounds INCREDIBLY odd but if you’ve been following this blog for a while you really shouldn’t be surprised at this point and if you are, you haven’t been paying attention.

Everyone in the world is all hyped up about the new year and, frankly, the number of “New Year, New Me” posts is getting sickening.

Holy shit do I sound bitter or what.

Probably because so far, 2019 for me has been a whole lot of “Same Shit, Different Year”.

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I worked New Year’s Eve so it was a relatively uneventful night for me. We closed at 11 so I was out the door and home in time for the ball drop. I rang in 2019 making myself some eggs for dinner and then watched Game of Thrones until I fell asleep.

I am not a party person.

My last couple New Year’s have been spent in pretty much this fashion and I’m not even mad about it.

Honestly, as I’ve gotten older it makes less and less sense to me to get all worked up about the passage of time like this. I’ve long since lost the belief that there is a magical reset button that’s going to make the problems of the last 365 days disappear.

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I woke up on January 1st just as tired and stressed and frustrated as I had on December 31st. I got dressed and went to work where I had a less than pleasant evening. An evening just as unpleasant as I had just days prior and as I would have days later.

Tearing the pages off the calendar doesn’t change anything.

I really don’t mean to sound this jaded and honestly, I’m not even sure I am going to post this. I mean, I’ve gotten this far so I might as well.

I’ve just had a really frustrating few days and a big part of it has been work. People are stressed out and tired from the holidays and whatever else is making them act the way they do, but I’ve had as much as I can stand. I’m really excited to get back on the road and whatever else the coming months have to offer me.

If we are going to talk about a whole new year then I hope to all hope that 2019 bring me all the things I was looking forward to in 2018. This past year was supposed to be one of great change and opportunity but my mental health took a sharp decline and it was everything to keep my head above the water.

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Maybe I needed this rocky start to the year. Get it all out of the way now for some smoother waters in the days, months and weeks to come. I mean, this is probably as likely as me winning the lottery but I can be hopeful about this.

So that’s my update. That’s what I’ve got.

I’m going to be honest, I’m finishing up writing this at just a bit past 6pm and I have yet to actually eat anything today. This had, quite unhealthily, been my M.O. as of late. I haven’t had much of an appetite at all lately. Doesn’t mean not eating isn’t making me a crankly little brat.

So… sorry for the things I said when I was hungry but not hungry but still haven’t eaten anything.

That.

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