This week has low-key been the worst.
As I wrote that, I realized that it’s only Wednesday. Now I want to crawl into a hole and die.
The general consensus among my friends has been the full moon which I think arrives tonight. Mercury is out of retrograde so I can’t blame that.
I don’t, honestly, put much stock in astrological stuff but it’s a lot easier than admitting that depression is tapping on my shoulder.
The past two nights at work have been miserable to an all-new degree.
Monday night people we just horrible. I have never felt so disrespected in my life. I know waiting tables isn’t a glamorous job and people are typically mean, but this was to a whole new level.
One table simply demanded things from me all night. They went the entire visit without a “please” or a “thank you.” They would snap at me and start demanding things even when I was helping other people. Then they went ahead and tipped $3 on a $150 check.
For those keeping track that is a 2% tip.
The rest of the night wasn’t horrible but I could feel trouble brewing in my head.
Yesterday was business as usual. I woke up and got busy with some work stuff and chatted a bit with Andy about our super secret project.
When it came time to head into work I started to feel like crap. About ten minutes in I was done.
The night was a struggle and I had a full-on panic attack about mid-shift.
What’s so amusing, in retrospect, is I was twice asked if I was okay and I said “no” but nothing was done about it.
For the first time I fully admitted I wasn’t okay and they people who asked just kept walking.
If you’ve ever wondered why I just say, “I’m fine” now you know. Because no one cares.
Despite wanting to throw in the towel and just go home, I persisted and made it through the shift. By the end of it, I was about ready to scream but I made it through.
I can’t tell where I am in this cycle. I know I’m going through a depression. That was obvious this morning when I woke up and the best I could do was move to the couch and fall back to sleep.
Nothing like a good 12 hours of sleep.
I talked to Erica a bit last night and I know I need to leave my serving job. It’s not going to solve all of my problems but I can feel it slowly chipping away at my humanity.
If you’ve never served before, know that it is the soul-sucking worst sometimes. It changes you are a person. I hate who I become when I walk through those doors.
I have some time off for my birthday this weekend so I’m gonna keep my head up high and push through.
I got this.
That being said, does anyone want to buy me this Lego set? I really want it. Mostly because it has a Cassian Lego Figure and I very much have a crush on him.
I need a life.
I’m really hoping I can find it in me to get up and either work out or go for a run tomorrow. I haven’t been able to exercise because my bad leg has been acting up. I feel fine now but I have to start getting ready for work.
Hopefully some endorphins will make me feel better.